y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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