I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
