Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
