Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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