Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
