I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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