I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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