I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
