i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
