i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
