Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
