happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
