Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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