Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
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