I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
