If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
