Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
