This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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