Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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