Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
