i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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