Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
