The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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