Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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