fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
