One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
