My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
