he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
