Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
