my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
