why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
