I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
