So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
