I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
