as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
