My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
