she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
