My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's like heaven, but drunker
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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