these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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