im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
