this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
