I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
