I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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