He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
