Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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