I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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