Can i not drive my cunt home
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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