Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
