I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
