i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
