Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
