Old men and throwing up are my life now.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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