dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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