It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
