I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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