Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
