I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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